Mawwiage

Mawwiage…
You Keep Using That Word...

I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means...

In case you were wondering, mawwiage is what bwings us togevah today. I didn't get a chance to upload a post last week because I was in New York for a weddin' (as my Southern uncle likes to call it, much to my father's bemusement). The weddin' in question was my best friend's, and of all the people in the world she could have picked to officiate the ceremony, she ended up selecting the craziest of the bunch. Yup, you guessed it: 

ME !

So yeah, I guess you could say I was a little busy. The ceremony went beautifully and every last detail was perfect, even if some of them didn't fall exactly in line with what the bride and groom had initially planned. When they first asked me to officiate, I was thrilled, but also a little anxious, as I had never performed a ceremony on my own before. I did perform one a couple of years ago with the bride, but this would be ME... ALONE... In front of SEVENTY PEOPLE... The thought was palpitating and spurts of anxious energy would run through me from time to time, taunting and pointing their fingers like the mean little buggers they are. But then January rolled around and I sat down to write the ceremony. It was therapeutic, as I discovered that the more I focused on embellishing and deepening the experience, the more it grounded me. By March I was as... 

Photo by D. Sarle

I began to realize that, the more I focused on the couple, their bond, and what I longed to give them via the ceremony, the less I had to worry about messing up, because in the end, that's what love is all about: sharing yourself. I knew, deep in my core, that what I was doing was amazing because it was a gift that came straight from the heart (I guess Bryan Adam's knew what he was singing about after all). That's the thing about love. You don't ever question whether it's worth giving because you know it is, that what you have to share is infallible. 

The same idea is the basis for marriage. When two people marry, not only do they affirm their love for one another, they also promise to help build each other's dreams. So if hubby wants to build a gargantuan pillow fort, wifey should support him! No, seriously, this is something that needs to be stressed: marriage is never about self-sacrifice. Marriage is about self-enrichment. When we tie our lives to another person's, we enrich our own experience by viewing life through their eyes as well as our own. We celebrate this exchange of individual interpretation and expression, a oneness attained through a balance of souls, given in equal measure. 

It's funny because this became a major point of contention during the weddin'. As we were going through the rehearsal, there was some displeasure aimed at a particular reading in the ceremony. It was a section from Kahlil Gibran's book The Prophet entitled "On Marriage", a piece that calls attention to the fact that, while marriage is certainly about sharing everything you are with another person, it in no way permits you to give yourself away. Yes, we enter into a sacred contract and promise to love one another in sickness and in health, as well as in plenty and in poverty, but not once do we vow to "lose ourselves in our spouse". That would undermine the concept of love, for who would be left for our spouse to admire if we were to disappear? 

Sometimes men and women decide to marry for what could be instead of what is, but would we really call that a reflection of love? To me, if we truly love someone, we love them for who they are, not who they could be. I feel this truth has waned somewhat. Many couples find themselves unhappy because one or the other has sacrificed a part of who they are for their spouse, believing it to be a demonstration of love and just another part of the whole marriage gig. Welp, in the words of Inigo Montoya: "I do not think it means what they think it means..." Marriage is love made tangible and therefore the ultimate symbol of equality and freedom. It is not just a practical contract, but an emotional one. The feelings of both parties are what make marriage work. If one person is dissatisfied because they have let their dreams fade so that their partner can shine... 

Houston, we have a problem. 

Photo by D. Sarle

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart, 

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

~ Kahlil Gibran

No one explains the perfection of individuality quite like Kahlil Gibran. Straight up, the man's a Poetical Gladiator. Indeed, the secrets of the Universe were likely whispered into his ear as he wrote, precious kernels of wisdom to be passed on to those who would listen. Gibran is very clear that each of us is a unique interpretation of the Creative Spark and that, when we work in conjunction with one another and share our rare individual viewpoints without judgment or callous criticism, we can accomplish anything. In marriage, two people share a root system, but they reach towards the sky on their own. One person may decide to provide shade, while the other doles out succulent fruit. The point is that we each have our own goals and those goals should not be lost because of relationship - they should be fortified. Marriage is a united front. The ambitions of one person will ultimately contribute to the other. In fact, marriage is a good example of charity, and I'm about to show you why:

Charity is goodwill towards someone or something. Goodwill is a compound word, so let's play another round of...

Phrase Deconstruction with Nichole Beamer!

Today's Word is: GOODWILL

Good means pleasing and welcome. 

Will means intent or desire. 

So charity is simply a pleasing and/ or welcome intent towards someone or something. 

The general consensus of what charity means has been pigeonholed into a single category that usually includes giving to the poor, being kind, etc. However, in my crazy, philosophical world, charity is a much bigger concept. I believe that charity is a conscious will to share the best parts of ourselves with others. It is never holding back that which lies in our hearts. This is giving to the poor because it is providing something to people that they never had before...and who knows? Maybe what you give them will help them overcome an obstacle, or inspire a great work of art. We all have giant mounds of potential inside us and our perspective is exceedingly rare. We should lift our voices, as they contribute new ideas and new ways of thinking. This is beneficial to mankind because new thoughts equal innovation. They inspire, showing others that life can be lived in infinite ways, and that if we shift our viewpoint, we can experience great variety. In short, an open perspective is fodder for the imagination.  

So how does this play into marriage? Well, when we share everything we are with our partner, they benefit from our ideas and us from theirs. It is a beautiful cycle of creative charity, fostered by love and respect. Hug warming, butterfly kissing, boo-boo-faced respect. Good ol' Roget and his handy Thesaurus have a few choice words that emulate the meaning of respect, but I think my favorite is veneration. 

That be the act of honoring a person's holiness, excellence, wisdom, etc. 

It is quite literally a celebration of individual sanctity. After all, what makes something holy is its purity, and there is nothing more out and out than the individual soul. It's authentic, open, and straight friggin' truth.

All right, so based on all this kooky crap I've been spouting off, I came up with a little equation to demonstrate how self-love applies in marriage and why giving half of ourselves away can lead to detriment. 

Understand that you are the conduit for love in life. If you give half of yourself away, you diminish that conduit, and thereby diminish your loving expression.

Think about it. Is a person who is depressed able to put out gobs and gobs of loving energy? 

NOPE.

A person who maintains a healthy and loving relationship with themselves is better able to maintain healthy and loving relationships with others. Remember: if you feel like crap about yourself, that crap will flood the love you put out into the world. So respect yourself, follow your dreams, and always encourage your partner to do the same. 

Oh, and another thing - marriage is not limited to just "man and wife (or man and man / woman and woman)", it is any great partnership between two people who look to create with one another.  So stick that in your back pocket!

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Okay kids, that's all for today. Hopefully you enjoyed yo' self. Stay tuned for my next blog post!

*whispers*

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