To Compete, or Not to Compete...

That is the question...

I know I dipped out for a while, and I'll get into what I've been up to these past few months in the next post or two.  I figure it's better to let ya'll nosh on some perspective whilst I type up the ol' manifesto, so here she is...

Competition, or Comprehension?

I've been coming to terms with a couple of things lately.  Mainly self-stuff, which ain't surprising, given that I've made some real changes in my life in the last quarter year.  It's not out of the realm to see the blight float to the surface when you turn your world upside down. 

Example: I've noticed that when I'm around certain people, and they begin waxing optimistic about their accomplishments and general bad-assery, I sometimes get a little twinge of regret or, dare I say it, jealousy. 

For a long while I gave myself a hard time for it because I frequent the school of thought that says feelings are a reflection of our own misgivings, so obviously I had some deep-seated issues that needed to be tended to, STAT. These people are, after all, my friends and family. Why on earth would I feel that way? Weird thing was, once we parted, I was over-the-moon happy for them. But I had to let the "twinginess" roll out my system before I could feel it. I thought that was odd, but didn't dwell on it because, clearly I needed to figure out what was wrong with me and why I felt threatened by someone else's achievement.

So I began a practice of sending out affirmations for their success and happiness, as well as my own (balance is key, after all). I had no interest in competing, I just wanted to comprehend why I felt the way I did. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, whenever I got around those people, ol’ twingy was back! Irritated beyond belief, I started forcing myself to list out all my accomplishments after being with them, just to bring in a little perspective, and to remind myself that I was just as accomplished as they were. Again, life is NOT a competition. We all do things in our own time, so trying to live up to someone else's achievements is absurd, not to mention futile. I mean, what if that person's triumph falls short of what we think of as true success? Is there any reason to be jealous of a person who seems to manifest all of this amazing stuff, only to find out their achievement isn't actually what we’re looking to accomplish? It's perfect for them, mind you, but perhaps not so perfect for us...

But try as I may, it didn’t keep zat twinge at bay (Seussian moment). So why couldn’t I get rid of it? What was the deal? Was I really that screwed up?

After long-ass reflection, and some very interesting "Universal prompts", I realized that I wasn't screwed up at all. Turns out, all this time I've been blaming myself, I was actually picking up on other people's insecurities. That might sound insane, but it's true.  In fact, sound was the culprit messing with my dome. See, in linguistics there's this little thing called intonation. It's a variation of spoken pitch not used to distinguish words, but instead used for a range of functions, like the indication of attitudes and emotions of a speaker. It signals the difference between a statement and a question, and between different types of questions, focusing attention on important elements of a spoken message. It also helps to regulate conversational interaction.

Intonation is the reason I only felt the "twinge" with certain people and not others because, not only is it a method of expressing emotion, it is also a masterful way of manipulating a conversation.  Case in point-- if a person you happen to be speaking with is highly insecure, the intonation of their speech could reflect a need to reinforce themselves, no matter how different their words might be.  There is a subtle pitch in their voice and the way they phrase their words will "fan the flames of confidence". While there is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are, or with being confident, there is a fine line between sharing your achievements in an encouraging way and pummeling dialogue into submission. I call anyone afflicted with this problem a Conversational Assassin. Typical dialogue with them could go something like this:

You:

Hey there!  How’s it going with your [INSERT JOB, YARN BOMBING PROJECT, EIGHT MILLION MILE MARATHON TRAINING ROUTINE, SPONGE PAINTING CLASS, ETC.]

Conversational Assassin:

Oh, everything is going really well!  I am kicking butt.  In fact, anything I do is catching a lot of attention.

Alright, so maybe this doesn’t seem like a big deal to some of you.  However, it’s actually pretty telling, especially if it occurs regularly. A one off ain’t a problem, but frequent overuse of this type of phrasery is symptomatic. Think of it this way: advertising uses specific language to subvert the conscious mind and tap directly into the subconscious.  Sly marketing can introduce stimuli only the Sub-Con can pick up on. We’ve all heard of subliminal messages. While the jury is still out on whether advertising campaigns deliberately use subliminal advertising to spike sales, there is no doubt that subliminal messages are in use every single day. It’s a natural phenomenon that we humans practice. We are very subliminal in the way that we express ourselves. We say one thing, and mean another. There is always an underlying connotation to our words, one that conveys how we feel and what we are really thinking. Artists and poets have used subliminal messages to make a statement about humanity and the Universe for eons. It’s just how we roll.  I guess deep down, in our guts, we crazy homo-sapiens enjoy a little mystery.

Of course, that mystery can often make things difficult when trying to communicate with others. We are all super open to subliminal messages, we just don’t always know where they are coming from, so automatically we assume that we are the problem.

Sliding back to that phrase above… In normal, everyday conversation, we probably wouldn’t think much of it. Hell, we’d likely skim right over that chizz without a second thought. Yet, we may find the emotional response to be a little different. We might feel threatened, jealous, or we may just pity that person ‘cuz we see right through, straight into the blood-pumping heart of their message. A person can fool themselves into thinking they are a million different things, but words and actions ultimately give them away. Heck, the message above could more easily read:

I feel threatened by others’ accomplishments because I fear mine will pale in comparison, so I must turn all attention in my direction to solidify my purpose.

And you know what?  That’s okay.  Everyone has insecurities.  What’s not okay is allowing another person’s insecurities to infect how we feel about ourselves.  When we participate in a conversation, we are open—mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Our ears and eyes pick up on speech patterns, intonation, and facial tics. We pick up on thoughts and emotions, and that encourages a response. The important thing to remember is that we are in charge of how that response plays out. We can let it infect us, or we can place a tiny cleft between us and them, a small filter, big enough to let harmful emotion and manipulation slide out before it has a chance to bitch slap our consciousness. I guess I’m saying, keep it real. Remember that you hold the cards, and that you're in charge of how they are dealt. Stay objective. What we see or experience at first glance, or first sound, might not necessarily be truth. Sometimes people seem mean as shit, but what they really want to say is:

Please, hug me...

In closing, take a moment to think about the word mean. It is defined as greedy, rude, and cruel, but also as purpose or intention. Interesting that it carries these two definitions. Indeed, sometimes we must look past greed and cruelty to see a person's true intentions-- to see the wounded individual hiding beneath all the bullcrap.